exhausted...

Last week's events and interactions with people really wore me out emotionally and physically. My schedule at Bubba Gump's keeps getting messed up so I didn't even work on Thursday or Friday, just Saturday...which was really nice. I was processing all the emotions I had felt from the interaction I had with the Patricia that week, and it really put me in a wierd funk. I was really anti-social the whole weekend, and when I did hang out with people I didn't feel like myself. I kept getting really offended for no reason or really sarcastic with people, when I hate sarcasm. I think it was because I had been processing so much internal feelings that I was becoming a little bit too self focused. I haven't gotten into a good routine of going to bed early when I have to be up at 5:15 3 times a week to serve breakfast at COA, so i am just exhausted too. I have been going, going, going, and haven't really been enjoying this week at the non-profits. I got annoyed at some volunteers from InterVarsity on Monday for showing up late, and I felt bad for giving them some attitude. Even though they come late, most of them are full heartedly there in the moment when they come. Today I was really proud of them, I know I sound like a mom proud of my kids but I really was proud because the volunteers who weren't on the line were out there talking to people, and even knew the names of some of the people they met. So, I shouldn't be so hard on them. Today we seemed to really get along too. One of the guys is really funny, so we were joking back and forth, and then another girl really opened up and shared her heart for people on drugs. So, I am warming up to them.
I hadn't seen Patrica (42 year old, with MS) at Hillcrest since the 4th, so I went searching for her today. I found her and learned that she had been in the hospital for 3 days because of 2 seisures she had on Sunday!! She had the seisures back to back that day. Oh man, she was in horrible shape. She could barely keep her eyes open, and hadn't wanted to eat anything all morning. She couldn't even hold the bowl of fruit because her hand was so shaky. I took the bowl from her hand and feed her, which was a little strange because she is 42, not a little child, but she would have dropped it all over herself. We talked a little bit between bites of fruit or cereal. She seems very anxious and worried about even the littlest things. She kept asking me questions about people at Hillcrest, wanting to know if so-and-so died or how another person was doing. She was also worried that her clothes and things had been stolen. A lot of the residents haven told me that they have to lock their things up because of theft. I felt like the time was going really slow this morning. Wednesdays are my long days, but the time usually fills up fast. Sitting with Patricia, and having no idea what to say or how to cheer her up made the time drag so long. I also found out that she has a caregiver...who only checks on her about once a month. The ladies at Hillcrest told me that she only comes to pick up the money and then takes off. I met her today, and it took everthing in me not to be really rude to her because she is definately taking advantage of Patricia.
I am also helping to get jr. highers out serving in the city, so I was there tonight. Jr. highers crack me up. they are so strange, and silly. We had a worship night which really was enriching to my soul. After a long day of frustration and seeing pain, I really needed to just be in the Lord presence, and music has such a healing effect on me. There was one song that resonated with my heart. It talked about getting on our knees before Jesus because he is the reason why we live. It really helped to bring the big picture back into perspective after a long day of small events that didn't seem to fit together. Lord you are the reason I am doing this fellowship and why I want to serve people in Long Beach even after this fellowship is done. You are the reason I train my mind, body and soul to be of more use for furthering your kingdom. I really needed that reminder of my purpose in the chaos of the day...