The Elder Son

Well even though I am done with the internship I want to still use this to record my thoughts. It really helped me to organize what I was thinking this summer, so I thought, why not keep using it. For the whole summer I have been sloooowly reading through The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen. It goes through each role, the prodigal son, the elder son, and the father. When I first started reading this, my mom told me that the author shows us how we identify with all three characters. I didn't really believe this until I read it though. I especially did not want to say that I identified with the elder brother. The elder brother is seen as bitter, and ungrateful to the father. Even though the elder son does not run away, he is also very resistant to the grace that the father wants to give. "I am the prodigal son every time I search ffor unconditional love where it cannot be found. Why do I keep ignoring the place of true love and persist in looking for it elsewhere." This applies to the elder son too, because he is still not excepting the father's love and grace. He has not run away, but he is standing at the end of the driveway refusing to come to the party for his younger brother. I found myself frustrated with his attitude, and I felt like he was being very selfish, self-centered. The reason why I was frustrated with it though was because I saw myself reflected in it. For years I have held onto the pain of past hurts, and guilt for decisions I have made. I thought if I could just make up for the decisions I made by serving God faithfully in the church or in ministry, then I would gain the father's love. " Rercieving forgiveness requries a total willingness to let GOd be God and do all the healing, restorinf, and renewing. As long as I want to do even a part of that myself, I end up with partial solutions, such as becoming the hired servant." I worked so hard in my church as the jr. high leader, intern, highschool leader or even this summer as an intern for Hope for Long Beach. So often though I didn't get the recognition I thought I deserved. These questions run through my head, and they tend to surprise me. "Does he not recognize all that I have been doing for him? Why does so-and-so always get the attention? does andyone even know me and love me? Notice me! Isn't there something more? we discover that we are lost and we didn't even know it. We feel confused, overlooked. We long for grace. We yearn for the embrace of the father." Rob Loane-"fragments" When I read this article about the elder son it all came clear to me. As I read Nouwen I thought of how I had been the elder son a year ago, and how bitter I had become, but then as I read this article it became evident that I was the elder son right now. I was still trying to be noticed...The other morning I woke-up for church, and I thougut to myself, "no one will even notice if I don't go..I don't need to go. No one cares about me or loves me." I was shocked by this thought that came across my mind because it was so brutally honest. It had come from the outpouring of my true inner being. I wanted to ignore it, but I knew that it was a deep problem I had. This was my way of rejecting God's grace. last nigth after talking about all these feelings in my X-cultural Spiritual Formation class, I was glowing with the love of God in me. I really felt his love present in me. I have to remind myself daily though. I can choose to be grateful, and accept the father's grace and love for me.

more observations...

I haven't written in a little while cause I didn't know what to say. Last week I was talking with Bessie (a 104 year old lady), and she can only make out my outline because her eyes are so bad. So, I like to hold her hand while we talk so that she knows I am there. She always holds my hand real tight, and sometimes will even stroke it with her thumb. We don't talk about much because she is depressed. She tells me how much life isn't worth living anymore...and I try to think of something to say. Sometimes I just sit there and hold her hand tighter...because i know she is right. At her age, all her friends, and some of her family has died, and she doesn't know Jesus so there is no purpose. I tried to tell her a little about Jesus, but it doesn't seem to sink in. Even though these times are super painful to be in, when I look back on them I cherish the silence I have spent with her. I cherish the time I spent listening to her. I really cherish her...as a person.
Patricia (42 yr. old MS patient) has been a little harder to go and visit with. On Sunday was her birthday, so on Monday I brought her flowers...She had asked for enchiladas, but I think she is on a strict diet, so I didn't want to bring in food. As sson as I walked in with the flowers she says, " where's my enchiladas, and gum?" (she loves gum, and I have brought her some before.) She didn't even see what I had in my hand. It was kind of disappointing because I was really excited to bring her flowers. I love flowers, and Chelle and I made a special trip to a cute little flower stand, and we picked them out ourselves...and then she doesn't even care. She wanted more than that! I was kind of pissed. So, I set the vase down on her table, explained why I couldn't bring the enchiladas, and left the room. As I was leaving she finally said thank you. Man, its hard to give to the ungrateful! I keep telling myself that I am not volunteering to get a thank you...but in a way I expected it.
The fellowship is coming to a close in a week or so. I am trying to figure out how much I can commit to spending at the non-profits after the fellowship is done. I will still be serving breakfast on Friday mornings throughout the semester at COA since I don't have school on Fridays. I am not sure about the other non-profits though. I would love to visit with Bessie, Patricia and Ruthie on a regular basis, but I don't know how fesible it would be. School gets pretty crazy, and this sesmter is my last one, yeah! Maybe I need to give up time hanging out with people so much, so I have time for visiting these ladies. I don't know what to do, its just a thought that has been mulling around in my head.

We went to Santa Cruz with all the fellows from the fellowship on this past Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. It was a lot of driving, and spending time getting to know everyone. There was a couple of frustrating moments between us all because we we in such close quarters together, but for the most part it was really fun. We stayed at Arnie's (one of the fellows) parents beach house in Santa Cruz, it was gorgeous. It was right on the beach, and we woke up to the waves crashing outside our window. The whole weekend I was really struggling with being there, in the moment. We were in a beautiful place, and we had some great experiences but my mind was elsewhere. We visited a women's pregnancy house for single women. I was not as social as I normally am in those situations though... I think it was because I felt like we were invading their space, and forcing them to be really vulnerable with us when they didn't even know us. Eric was asking the ladies to tell us a llittle about their past, and why they were now in this house. Eric is really good at asking the right kind of questions, and I can tell he really cares, but I I just wondered if the ladies felt a little strange from our invasion. Most of the ladies were between 25-30 and had already had a couple of kids. A lot of them had kids when they were 15. There was such a culture clash between the girls in our group and the girls of the house, when one lady asked if any of us girls had any kids. That is a normal part of life to have kids already for them, but to us it was so foreign. It was hard to process everthing right away...there was so many emotions. I was sad for the ones who had been beaten, and abused. The were not loved as a kid, so they were just getting their lives back together. At the same time though they have to be held responsible for making those choices to do drugs, and sleep around. Holding them responsible does not mean they don't need help to turn their lives back around. It all comes back to giving people grace in their specific situation. So they mesed up...so have I. I have done things that I am regrettting, and that affect how I live my life now. I need grace just as much as they do. I just wish there was some way to prevent this cycle of life for these women. Possibly coming along side them in high school, and giving them other options besides just having babies. There are so many girls and women in these situations here in Long Beach. Lord please give me situations to encourage women here in Long Beach, and to help them to see the life they can have in you!

exhausted...

Last week's events and interactions with people really wore me out emotionally and physically. My schedule at Bubba Gump's keeps getting messed up so I didn't even work on Thursday or Friday, just Saturday...which was really nice. I was processing all the emotions I had felt from the interaction I had with the Patricia that week, and it really put me in a wierd funk. I was really anti-social the whole weekend, and when I did hang out with people I didn't feel like myself. I kept getting really offended for no reason or really sarcastic with people, when I hate sarcasm. I think it was because I had been processing so much internal feelings that I was becoming a little bit too self focused. I haven't gotten into a good routine of going to bed early when I have to be up at 5:15 3 times a week to serve breakfast at COA, so i am just exhausted too. I have been going, going, going, and haven't really been enjoying this week at the non-profits. I got annoyed at some volunteers from InterVarsity on Monday for showing up late, and I felt bad for giving them some attitude. Even though they come late, most of them are full heartedly there in the moment when they come. Today I was really proud of them, I know I sound like a mom proud of my kids but I really was proud because the volunteers who weren't on the line were out there talking to people, and even knew the names of some of the people they met. So, I shouldn't be so hard on them. Today we seemed to really get along too. One of the guys is really funny, so we were joking back and forth, and then another girl really opened up and shared her heart for people on drugs. So, I am warming up to them.
I hadn't seen Patrica (42 year old, with MS) at Hillcrest since the 4th, so I went searching for her today. I found her and learned that she had been in the hospital for 3 days because of 2 seisures she had on Sunday!! She had the seisures back to back that day. Oh man, she was in horrible shape. She could barely keep her eyes open, and hadn't wanted to eat anything all morning. She couldn't even hold the bowl of fruit because her hand was so shaky. I took the bowl from her hand and feed her, which was a little strange because she is 42, not a little child, but she would have dropped it all over herself. We talked a little bit between bites of fruit or cereal. She seems very anxious and worried about even the littlest things. She kept asking me questions about people at Hillcrest, wanting to know if so-and-so died or how another person was doing. She was also worried that her clothes and things had been stolen. A lot of the residents haven told me that they have to lock their things up because of theft. I felt like the time was going really slow this morning. Wednesdays are my long days, but the time usually fills up fast. Sitting with Patricia, and having no idea what to say or how to cheer her up made the time drag so long. I also found out that she has a caregiver...who only checks on her about once a month. The ladies at Hillcrest told me that she only comes to pick up the money and then takes off. I met her today, and it took everthing in me not to be really rude to her because she is definately taking advantage of Patricia.
I am also helping to get jr. highers out serving in the city, so I was there tonight. Jr. highers crack me up. they are so strange, and silly. We had a worship night which really was enriching to my soul. After a long day of frustration and seeing pain, I really needed to just be in the Lord presence, and music has such a healing effect on me. There was one song that resonated with my heart. It talked about getting on our knees before Jesus because he is the reason why we live. It really helped to bring the big picture back into perspective after a long day of small events that didn't seem to fit together. Lord you are the reason I am doing this fellowship and why I want to serve people in Long Beach even after this fellowship is done. You are the reason I train my mind, body and soul to be of more use for furthering your kingdom. I really needed that reminder of my purpose in the chaos of the day...

hard week...

Well it started out a normal 4th of July with a couple of parties to go to, and fireworks to see. Lordis at Hillcrest (the convalescent home) asked me to come and help with the BBQ they were having. I showed up, but there wasn't very many people in the hallways...but I found them on the patio. What a beautiful day to go out on the patio. There's a lady named Patricia who was sitting out there as well. She is such a sweet lady, ad really cares for others well being. She politely greeted me as Jessie, and asked how I was. Everyone there thinks my name is Jessie (who is another one of the interns) because we are both tall, wear glasses, and have white skin. It annoyed me at first, but the residents are still trying to keep track of us coming in and out of their facility. Patricia is 42, and has MS. The MS was triggered by a stroke she had. She started telling me about how much she missed her kids who are 9 and 10. Then she started balling...and telling me through sobs about when she had the stroke and why she hadn't seen her kids in a year! Can you imagine? I didn't know what to say so I just held her, and stroked her hair to calm her down. It was really hard to understand her through the sobs, but she told me everything. I am not sure why she trusted me enough to tell me everything. I was only there at the BBQ for about an hour and a half. When I left I felt numb...it was so strange. I got home and Susie (my mentor) asked how it was, and all I said was..."it was hard today", and walked out of the room. Then I shut the door to the bathroom and just started sobbing. I didn't even realize what I was sobbing about at first. I haven't cried like that in years. It was such a painful feeling to hurt for Patricia. This woman is a beloved child of God too, this must be similar to what God feels for us. To understand the heart of God we have to go through situations like this, but its painful. I thought I could just shake it off because I was going to a party later, and I didn't want to be a downer. But I was just in a funk that whole day..don't get me wrong I still had fun at my friend Mark's house. I was surrounded by great people, great food, and a couple good drinks :) but I just could not stop thinking about Patricia and how lonely she was on the 4th of July where we are supposed to be with family and friends. I had a couple of people at the party who really spent time talking with me, and just letting me be in a funk...they didn't try and just cheer me up or tell me to move on from the emotions I was feeling. They don't know how much I appreciated that. I am still processing it all...it only just happened Wednesday.