The Elder Son

Well even though I am done with the internship I want to still use this to record my thoughts. It really helped me to organize what I was thinking this summer, so I thought, why not keep using it. For the whole summer I have been sloooowly reading through The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen. It goes through each role, the prodigal son, the elder son, and the father. When I first started reading this, my mom told me that the author shows us how we identify with all three characters. I didn't really believe this until I read it though. I especially did not want to say that I identified with the elder brother. The elder brother is seen as bitter, and ungrateful to the father. Even though the elder son does not run away, he is also very resistant to the grace that the father wants to give. "I am the prodigal son every time I search ffor unconditional love where it cannot be found. Why do I keep ignoring the place of true love and persist in looking for it elsewhere." This applies to the elder son too, because he is still not excepting the father's love and grace. He has not run away, but he is standing at the end of the driveway refusing to come to the party for his younger brother. I found myself frustrated with his attitude, and I felt like he was being very selfish, self-centered. The reason why I was frustrated with it though was because I saw myself reflected in it. For years I have held onto the pain of past hurts, and guilt for decisions I have made. I thought if I could just make up for the decisions I made by serving God faithfully in the church or in ministry, then I would gain the father's love. " Rercieving forgiveness requries a total willingness to let GOd be God and do all the healing, restorinf, and renewing. As long as I want to do even a part of that myself, I end up with partial solutions, such as becoming the hired servant." I worked so hard in my church as the jr. high leader, intern, highschool leader or even this summer as an intern for Hope for Long Beach. So often though I didn't get the recognition I thought I deserved. These questions run through my head, and they tend to surprise me. "Does he not recognize all that I have been doing for him? Why does so-and-so always get the attention? does andyone even know me and love me? Notice me! Isn't there something more? we discover that we are lost and we didn't even know it. We feel confused, overlooked. We long for grace. We yearn for the embrace of the father." Rob Loane-"fragments" When I read this article about the elder son it all came clear to me. As I read Nouwen I thought of how I had been the elder son a year ago, and how bitter I had become, but then as I read this article it became evident that I was the elder son right now. I was still trying to be noticed...The other morning I woke-up for church, and I thougut to myself, "no one will even notice if I don't go..I don't need to go. No one cares about me or loves me." I was shocked by this thought that came across my mind because it was so brutally honest. It had come from the outpouring of my true inner being. I wanted to ignore it, but I knew that it was a deep problem I had. This was my way of rejecting God's grace. last nigth after talking about all these feelings in my X-cultural Spiritual Formation class, I was glowing with the love of God in me. I really felt his love present in me. I have to remind myself daily though. I can choose to be grateful, and accept the father's grace and love for me.